Accommodation for Russian Misery Travel

NEW JUST GOT SKYPE (Uncle_Pasha_2011) TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE PLACE!

A warehouse pretending to be an apartment
Have no money for a decent hotel? It is cheap! Forced to work during your vacation? It's got a large desk, and a printer, and everything else to keep you feeling you haven't left your office. A you a fat sweating type? It's got an air conditioning. Internet addiction? Wi-Fi is your answer. A perfect place for a loser like you!

THE PLACE IS DAMNED

Up to about 1995 it was a regular room in a Soviet "kommunalka". Then it had a toilet and a shower and some kitchen stuff squeezed in and a partition build of assorted pieces of wood held together will wallpaper. That's when it started to be called "apartment". A few more cheap improvements and it graduated as "a stylish studio". What's worse, before the kommunalka days the building was a vodka factory warehouse. Ghosts and restless spirits of those who dies as a consequence of consuming Smirnoff haunt the creepy halls of this shadowy residence. But let's set aside superstitions and try to get advantage of this deal.

Why do they keep writing good reviews?! The only bad one is from a weirdo from SA who came here with an impossible project that consisted of finding a previously undiscovered field of frozen mammoths, sawing off their tasks, somehow getting them across the border, and getting rich as a result. Of them all he was having the best time in the company of a free guide I set him up with. Yet wrote the best review. Go figure. Here is another widget or whatever this nonsense is called TripAdvisor supplied me with..

Find Moscow Vacation Rentals on FlipKey

Fooled them! FlipKey or TripAdvisor or whatever this overbearing outfit is called gave me this:

Find Moscow Vacation Rentals on FlipKey

A gloomy building neglected for decades

"CONTACT US"

The obvious thing would be to dial +7 985 217 3241 if only the crazy Russian landlord was not averse to phone calls. Instead of trying to get your business the owner will bark at you something to the effect that the phone is for emergency use only. You would think that e-mail is safer? Well, sort of, but there are dangers too. Asking for a discount will elicit irritation on the verge of uncontrollable anger. Common polite phrases like "have a nice day" at the end of your letter will prompt something crude and snappy like "who are you to tell me what day to have" and are thus be avoided. As someone who wasn't born into English he feels unsecure at his language skills and will jump on every chance to point to your errors. But you are a brave boy. Let's assume you are ready to get over your culturally based expectations that people need to be nice to each other and to clients especially, and to deal with the guy. After all you are not interested in him but his apartment. Let's take a closer look at what he is offering you..

THE APARTMENT

This so called studio is said to have a "great view onto water". As proof the landlord will show you this photo. If he wasn't a techno-peasant he would have photoshoped these smokestacks off. Unable to do that he merely aimed his dirty outdated camera into open space thus downplaying the fact that in reality the neighbourhood is dominated by a giant heat generating station. If you say that the wedding pie building "beautiful" the old killjoy Uncle Pasha will most certainly utter something to the effect that this giant Stalin Skyscraper was build by German prisoners of war and Gulag slaves, and that it is nothing but human suffering and death embodies in brick and mortar. And if that wasn't enough he will no doubt say that now it is for the privileged able to pay $6000/month, thus reminding you of your place in life. Never ever admit you like something in presence of this genius of negativism and demotivation!

And this is a view from the closet that he calls "bedroom". The smokestacks are hidden by curtains. You can look the other way but what will you see? A dental clinic. Not just a dental clinic but four stories of a dental clinic! You will hear screams of patients and see blood-splashed windows. Even though in reality patients don't scream the landlord is a master of suggestion techniques bordering on hypnosis. If nothing else this dental clinic, coupled with the building's history, will guarantee nightmares! Complaining of nightmares is of no use. The old killjoy Uncle Pasha will say "Oh, you've been watching horror movies. I'll add $7 to your bill".

Lots of space he says. Sure there is space but the disproportion of unnaturally high ceilings and small square footage are sure to make you feel lost.

You definitely will not want to experiment with psychedelics while staying there.

No real kitchen. A cheap Russian-made microwave. A mismatch of pots, pants, and utensils. What's the point if you travellers will break them in no time.

No coffee maker because this opinionated asshole is on a mission to teach humanity to use Turkish pot as the only legitimate way to brew coffee.

The computer etc. are all there. How nice of him you may think. But no, only profound self-interest made this leech of a landlord to set up a home office for you. Working travellers bring less trouble. Working travellers, unlike those having fun, don't annoy this grouch. Computerized and wired quests will get answers to lots of their questions from the web thus bothering him less with questions. Even good things he occasionally does have low motives!

Here is a hint on how to tame this nutcase: Be sure to tell him that you are here NOT on your own accord and NOT for a vacation. That will earn you immediate sympathy from this old killjoy who is not only incapable of having fun but does not like seeing others being anything but miserable..

Also, as a price to having office equipment, unlimited intenet, Wi-Fi and what not the owner will keep on telling you stories of clients that poured beer on the keyboard, dropped the monitor on the floor, or puked over the printer. Or just took off without paying a $500 phone bill. He'll do that in a manner that clearly implies that you are one of them.

The bedroom walls are graced, among other things, with pictures of dead men (the one on the left).

[photo of "Take the rat away" sign]

How low can you go? All landlords receive complaints but try to play these down. This one however cynically puts them on display! No use complaining for he will turn everything to work in his favour!

"Double bed, fold-out couch, and loft. Ideal for two; sleeps 3-4 easily". Sure it does if you are shorties like him. But true American men will not fit. As to the loft.. Some travellers fell from there! Of course they were drunk. But it is not there fault. Inebriation of the miserable sort, followed by careless or even openly self-destructive behaviour, is unavoidable in this demo version of hell of a country.

"Air conditioned to keep you comfortable during hot and humid Moscow summer". But the air conditioner hasn't been serviced for years. Scores of bacteria and viruses are sitting there, attentively watching you, waiting will you are tired, sleepy and otherwise defenseless to come out and get into your poor body to give you the honour of being the first victim of a new deadly disease. Uncle Pasha wanted to be a doctor. He failed. But he still wants his name to make it into the annals of medical science. Thus the air conditioner and his deceivingly nice interest in how you feel.

"Backup heating and hot water supply system for 100% reliability."

But electricity and water is not a good combination. Experts say that death by electrocution is an unpleasant way to go

Washer/dryer? It is one of those European creations with options as plentiful as stars in the sky. Not a thing for your average mind.

He claims the apartment has "lots of linen". Mismatched. Often not ironed. Don't count on the bed being ready.

True, the bathroom does look "spacious". But the owner will not tell you about the burping drainage! He will however complain of some of his guest lacking toilet training implying that you are one of them. He will miss no detail telling you how the toilet can be used or abused.

THE NEIGHBOURHOOD

OK, we've exposed the truth about this apartment. Let's now look at the neighbourhood. Lets examine one-by-one each statement this sleekly salesman makes to sell to you..

"Zamoskvorechye is one of Moscow's safest neighbourhoods". True but at the price of overwhelming police presence and overbearing security. Do you want to be watched by dozens of pairs of eyes?

[a photo of the canal in winter]"On the canal." The photos make you think of jogging at sunrise or nice strolls at sunset. Not doable. On weekdays the sidewalk is blocked by hundreds of cars. And even if it was not you would not want to be near whatever there is instead of water in this dirty ditch. Ask yourself why the canal would not freeze at -50F and stay away!

"Dozen of cafes and restaurants within minutes". True. Some are quite cheap too. No hope of losing weight.

Yes. That's him. During one of his lowlife pub crawls. Instead of curtailing his appetites for drink and food he tries to get others to become like him! That explains why he is so happy to be your food and beer guide. That's what behind he seemingly innocent habit of indiscriminately inviting people to partake in his meals that are vegetarian only formally. That's what you'll become if you stay in this neighbourhood that has perhaps Moscow's highest concentration of eating and drinking establishments.

..........

.......

The loft is supposed to be good for the kids. One of the good things is that the children's hospital is 5 minutes from this apartment literally stuffed with sources of risk like this shaky ladder.

In the loft. Just don't look closely at this mattress.

Here is an example of forged client feedback and the owner's shameless exploitation of the "sex sells" technique.

"The best place to enjoy Moscow"
Jane, Joy, Ginger, Alice, and Patricia
Orlando, New Jersey

More guest feedback

Clutter and more clutter. The TV has Russian channels only! .

Guest feedback over the years says it all

There is a couple of ugly postings there I know that your chances of seeing them are small.

You can also see or leave your comments in my totally uncensored guestbook
>>

FOR THE FORGETFUL

Toothbrushes and a variety of personal hygiene items.

SERVICE

Visa support and registration
(Another subject that makes it easy to elicit a diatribe from Uncle Pasha.)

Airport pickup by a reliable English-speaking driver
(And your host will try to make yet another few bucks off you by suggesting he picks you up in the airport. In his noisy clumsy dirty vehicle that he uses, among other things, to haul manure from his countryside resort to flower growers in Moscow. But for this ride in a manure truck he'll charge what would get you a luxury class vehicle with a schooled driver. Pasha will tell you that the breaks don't work and/or complain of his failing eyesight, and watch for your reaction in sadistic anticipation.)

Complimentary neighbourhood orientation tour
(Being a freeloader he does that in hope you'll treat him for a snack. You being no fool do suggest a cafe stop - but before you've got any roubles. That will force him to pay.)

Friendly and helpful housekeeper. And no tips expected.
(But unless you explicitly ask for it you will get no service. Under the pretence of not disturbing your privacy he'll leave you without housekeeper help unless you say loud and clear you want it. Being a gentleman you of course expect service but will not raise your voice. "Uncle Pasha", the owner of this place, often acts like a Turking All You Can Drink establishment who keeps the bar several hundred feet from the beach. Yes, the drinks are there and free and unlimited but you just won't bother getting up to go to the bar too often..)

Questions about Russia and Russian travel are always welcomed
(They are. And are usually answered. Quickly and informatively too. But the attitude! "Why did you come to this *&%!@!! country in the first place" will precede any useful info you will get out of your nutty host.)

24/7 emergency assistance
(True. But it better be an emergency. An asshole who called me late Sunday night to tell me that he can't find find a can opener got a piece of my mind. That asshole also got the apartment at a big discount. Why do the less they pay the more trouble they bring?!)

RATES
(In an ideal world there would be no Moscow. If life was merely fare it would be you who would get compensated for living here. But here it is YOU who is expected to pay.)

$120 per night

$100/night if you stay a week or longer

$66/night if you stay a month or longer ($2000/month). Utilities included.

(Before I had $120/night, $700/week, $2000/month. But the marketing science requires the seller to display smaller numbers. So I've clouded the issue by stying $66/night. Some of my colleagues would even call a $200 apartment that accommodates four a $50/night place. So in the database you'll see $50/night. Or even less as they will take the monthly rate, divide it by 30 and then by the number of people, and use this small figure at bait. I'm working on myself to be able to play these tricks... oops, to use these presentation techniques. Give me a couple more years....)

Why so cheap?
Because it it direct from the owner
Because there are no frills - just essentials
Because I want to attract quality guests

No extra fees
except for long distance calls and damages beyond normal wear and tear
(But the owner will try to inflict other largely unnecessary services on you. An overpriced invitation. An airport pickup in a vehicle more suited for hauling manure. An unnecessary Moscow Orientation tour. Why unnecessary? Because Russia is a misunderstanding of a country and Moscow is an absurdity. No reason to travel here to start with..)

Payment by check, transfer to my bank in Canada, or via PayPal.
No cash transactions need take place in Russia!
(The true motive is his aversion to paying taxes to the Russian state. Bad boy!)

CONTACT

Please e-mail me. I usually respond without delay. Often instantly.
(Because he has no life.)

Or, if you prefer, call +7 985 217 3241.
(Instead of being happy you've contacted him with possible business, the owner will reprimand you for using telephone which, he will say, is there for emergency use only. And if you forget that Russia is several hours ahead of the civilized world and call in the middle of night you may learn a few strong expressions. Scratchy English in which they'll be delivered fortifies the effect.)

Around the neighbourhood

(Ruins and palaces next to each other may kickstart schizophrenia or other latent mental problem you no doubt have.)

"I never expected to find so many nice affordable restaurants anywhere in Russia, let alone a few steps from the Kremlin."
Glenda
Southville, Ontario

More guest feedback

(This is an example of fake client feedback.)

(Most of the proper museums are on the other side of the river. Zamoskvorechye has historically been a neighbourhood for writers who hanged themselves, painters who went insane and other losers. Here is the house that belongs to an obscure Russian writer Alexander Ostrovsky if anybody cares.)

(These churches may look good on pictures. But their bells will not let you sleep late on Sundays. And on Saturday evenings, when most people engage into things sinful to some extent, they will make you feel guilty.)

Back to
cheap-moscow.com

For the old description go to
www.unclepasha.com/moscow_apartment.htm

For the glamorous description the present page is intended to balance see
http://www.cheap-moscow.com/studio.htm

View onto the neighbourhood from the hall window

or low water pressure.

Map of central Moscow. Although the owner dubs it as located in the "ultimate" center of Moscow, all the good things, as you can see by clicking on this map are on the other side of the river.

[photo of the elevator]
The elevator embodies the essence of the building, of the city, of the whole country and, I'm afraid, of the world we live in.

These are the door bell. Comments as to what's behind are not necessary.

[REPLACE}
The stairs are full of garbage. The walls are full of graffiti. Urban decay reigns.

Don't be deceived by this clean window. It is washed no more than twice a year. And there is a lot of dust in Moscow!

The owner, who will proceed to the nearby low-life drinking establishment as soon as you pay him, will greet you with "what the f*ck make you drag your butt to Russia". He may not use these exact words but the attitude will come out loud and clear. It is not recommended to bother him about household issues without there being a dire necessity. He can legitimately claim to be the worse representative of the notoriously client-unfriendly crowd of Moscow landlords.